The Fool Read online

  After thinking a moment, I decide that he’s right. We need to do what we can with today and stop letting our yesterdays ruin anything we could have today. I’ve lost so many moments because of my grief. My bonds with my family and friends are fragile at best. Xander is right. We may not be able to forget or let go, but we can live in what we have right now and move forward one step, one day, at a time.

  “I think you’re right. I have a lot to make up for with my family and friends. But moving forward sounds… nice.”

  Xander’s smile is bright. “That sounds like progress to me.”

  He grabs my hand and lifts it to his lips and presses a small kiss to the knuckles. Out of nowhere, I had an urge to rest my head on his shoulder. Without thinking, I find myself leaning over and doing just that. Xander releases my hand and wraps his arm around my waist and rests his head on mine. For the first time in so long, I feel… content.

  Staring at my childhood home, I feel butterflies take flight in my stomach. This will be the first time in months since I’ve talked to anyone. My heart hangs heavy and beats rapidly. Swallowing hard, I climb out of my car and walk the long path to the front door. My long absence from my family causes me to pause, and instead of just walking in, I ring the bell.

  After my wonderful date with Xander a few days ago, he and I have talked every day. Last night while we were talking on the phone, I told him about what I want to do, and he encouraged me to do it. But now that I stand here and wait for the door to be opened, I’m not sure I can do this without crying. I want to show them that I’m getting better, but I’m afraid I’ll break the minute I see them.

  Today being Wednesday, I know that my sister is here as well. She’s always here, every Wednesday for the midweek check in on how things are going for everyone. I’ve not been present in a long time, but I’m sure times have not changed at all.

  The door opens and my sister Dani stands in front of me. Her mouth falls open as she stares at me. I’m not even sure that she’s breathing. Her short pixie style cut brown hair lays flat against her head, and her brown eyes glisten with unshed tears. My lower lips trembles as I try to speak.

  “I, uh, I wanted to check in with everyone.” I trip over my words but manage to get them out before I choke on a sob that desperately wants to escape.

  My sister just stands there staring at me. A silent tear falls down her cheek as she continues to gape at me. I can hear footsteps coming into the entry way, and I brace myself for whoever it is.

  “Dani,” my mother’s voice rings out. “Why are you just holding the door open and…” Her voice trails off as she too stares at me.

  My mother is a beautiful woman. We favor each other in looks. Both keep our brown hair long and share the same emerald eyes. Though for my mother, she also has her fair share of gray hairs peppered throughout.

  “Waverly,” my mother’s choked voice fills the silence.

  There’s a moment’s pause before she rushes me with her arms open and begins to cry. Unable to hold back any longer, I sob into my mother’s shoulder as I hold her tightly. I’m afraid if I let her go that I might fall.

  “I’m sorry, Mama. I’m so sorry.” I sob.

  Suddenly, she smacks me. Rubbing my arm, I look up at her confused. “Do you know what you’ve put your mother through? I don’t know where you are. If you’re okay. I don’t know anything. What were you thinking?” She chastises me as I am lead into the house and into the sitting room.

  “I’m sorry, but I just need time for myself. I…” Tears well in my eyes and emotions clog my throat.

  “You need your family. You’ll lose yourself in that misery of yours. It’s okay to grieve. It’s okay to be sad. It’s even okay to want some time to yourself. But you completely shut all of us out when all we want to do is help.”

  Fidgeting with my hands, I speak softly. “You guys wanted me to get over it. How do I get over losing my future? Losing everything I planned to have? How do I forget the suffering my baby went through? That I went through? Or…” I pause for a moment revealing to them more of my pain that they weren’t aware of. “Or losing the man I planned forever with? To know that something made him leave that night and something else took him away from me forever. How am I supposed to get over that?”

  I lift my eyes up and look at my mom and Dani. Both are gaping at me in shock. They both loved Legend too. He was almost instantly part of the family when we got together.

  “Are you saying…” Dani starts to ask, but I cut her off.

  “Yes. When I couldn’t get a hold of him, and the baby was almost due, I got a hold of Peter. He told me to leave them alone to grieve. I asked him to grieve what, and he said his brother and then hung up on me. Then so soon later, I lose the other big piece of me.” Looking up at my family for a moment, I can see the sadness in their eyes.

  “When Remy was born, I thought that I’d have at least something of the man I loved with all my being. Do you know how often I sit and wonder what he’d look like right now? Would he know how to walk? How to crawl? Has he said mama or even worse dada? I can’t just get over that. I’m sorry I’ve not been handling this the way you guys would, but it’s hard.”

  I point to Dani and her baby belly. “Do you know how much it hurts to see you pregnant? How it brings all the loss back that has suffocated me for so long? I’m drowning in a sea of pain, and there’s no life raft to be found. Nothing I do works. Drinking numbs it and allows me to fall asleep,” I admit honestly. “It doesn’t stop the dreams. I hear the echoes of screams that never came from Remy. How I remember everything from the last night that I saw Legend?

  “I want to be strong like you expect of me, but I just can’t. I can’t. I lost my heart. They took it with them. So, it’s going to take me a little while to come to terms with the fact that the man I planned forever with is no longer here and I’m forced to live without him. Or that I was a mother for such a short time and my baby suffered pain I can’t imagine as I stood by helplessly hoping other people could save him. I can still feel him in my arms the day he passed away. I can still smell his baby smell. I can still… I still feel it all. It’s not something that can be ‘gotten over.’ I’m not strong enough. I’m sorry to fail you guys too.” I end on a whisper.

  My mother moves over next to me on the couch. She pulls me into a strong hug. Elly may look like a weak woman, but she’s stronger than any person I know. Dani seems to have inherited that from her. Apparently, the strength missed me by a mile.

  “You haven’t failed anyone. Not me. Not your sister. Not Legend. And not my dear sweet grandson either. The only one you are close to failing on is yourself.”

  My head snaps up as I meet my mother’s gaze with wide eyes. “I’m sorry, but how am I doing that? I’m here, aren’t I? I’ve not given in to the urge to be with them. I’m still here stuck in a fucking purgatory that I may never come out of.”

  My mother smacks me again. “Language little lady. You may be grown, but you are still my child, and I have no problem washing your mouth out with soap. Now, look at me child. We have never expected anything from you other than to let us in.”

  “Mom’s right. All we want is to help. To see you smile without it being so fake that it looks like you’re constipated.” Dani smiles at me as she sits on my other side. “I’m sorry I told you that you need to get over it. That was my pain speaking. Though you lost a son. I lost a nephew and a sister. Mom lost a grandson and a daughter.”

  Dani’s words slice right through me. My heart squeezes tightly in my chest. In all my pain, I never thought about what they lost, or that they lost anything.

  “I’m sorry I was so selfish. I didn’t think of it that way. All I saw was my own pain. I didn’t factor in there being any pain for you guys. I’m so sorry.” I say sincerely looking between my mother and sister.

  Honestly, I never thought of anyone outside of me at that moment. All I knew was the pain that I was in. Never did I consider that they too lost someone that day. M
y family adored Legend. My mom had him calling her ‘Mom’ and dad would take hunting or fishing trips with him. He was a part of the family. Then he was just gone.

  We continue to talk. They make me promise to stop my drinking. I understand where they are coming from, but at the same time, they need to understand that forgetting is the phase I’m in right now. Though alcohol is not exactly the best solution, it’s all I have right now. It may be time that I go and see a counselor. It’s definitely a more viable – not to mention healthier – solution as opposed to the way I’m dealing with it now.

  As I left my parents’ house that night, I have a clear plan in my head on where I’m going. It’s time that I start living. Giving life a chance again. I’m going to start it by giving my relationship with Xander a chance. A real honest chance. No comparing him to Legend. Xander is good to me. He brought me back from a dark hole I didn’t even realize I was sinking into. He deserves for me to put in the same amount of effort that he’s putting in. Pulling my phone from my pocket, I call him.

  “Waverly? Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine. Thank you. I wondered if you were busy right now.”

  “No, no, uh, why?”

  “Would you like to meet up? We could go for a picnic at the park or go to your place anything.” I say happily.

  “I could… We could watch a movie here and…”

  “Sounds great. Tell me how to get there.”

  Tonight starts a new day, in a new life. I’ll never forget Legend or my son. But I need to learn to live again.

  Six

  Alexander

  About fifteen minutes after I hang up the phone with Waverly, my doorbell rings. When she had called, I was wondering if things between us were even going to work. She clings so tightly to what she’s lost that she can’t seem to see around it. But when she called, the tone her voice was happy. Maybe things are changing.

  Opening the door, I find a smiling Waverly standing there. I can tell she’s been crying. Her face is splotchy, her eyes are puffy and bloodshot from what looked to have been some hard crying.

  “Okay,” I say as I usher her over to my couch. “What’s wrong? You’ve been crying.”

  She blushes slightly as she wipes her eyes. “Ah, I thought I hid that.”

  Reaching over, I wipe a stray tear. “Talk to me. If this is too much, you just have to tell me. I’d never hold you against your will.”

  “That’s just it,” she says smiling and turning to face me. “I wanted to come here so we can really try. I went to my parents’ house today. We talked for the first time since I did my vanishing act after Remy died. Talking to them today made me realize that I will always remember them, but Legend or Remy wouldn’t want me suffering. I’m going to go to counseling to start helping me grieve properly. But more importantly, I want to move forward with us, without my cloud hanging over my head.”

  “Yeah,” I ask hopeful. Honestly, I’m afraid to believe that she’s really that ready. Not that I thought she wasn’t worth waiting for, but she still has a lot of grieving to do. I’m not sure I’m the man she wants to move past it with.

  “Yes, really.” She looks down at her hands and asks softly. “Have I pushed you away too much to do that?”

  Gently lifting her face to mine, I lean in and kiss her softly on the lips. She tenses slightly but relaxes into the kiss only moments later. Cupping her face tenderly in my hands, I run my tongue along the seam of her soft lips. Almost timidly, she opens her mouth and meets my tongue with her own. Her hands tangle in my shirt as a soft moan escapes her mouth. The tender sounds go straight to my dick. Since seeing her in the bar, she has been the star in many wet dreams.

  After a few moments, she pulls away and rests her head against mine. “I’m sorry, but we need to slow down. I wasn’t even a fast mover before I was hurt.”

  Laughing, I press a small kiss to her lips and lean back. “So, you want to watch a movie, huh?”

  With a huge smile on her face, she nods. “Yes. Cuddling up and watching a movie sounds very nice to me. Does it to you?”

  Standing, we shuffle through my movies and put one in. I sit on the couch with my back against the armrest and one leg on the sofa. Waverly climbs between my legs, and I wrap her in my arms, holding her tighter to my chest. On a deep breath, I sigh. This is nice.

  Two months later…

  “So you haven’t gotten any yet?” Val teases.

  “Shut up,” I snap.

  It hasn’t been an easy couple months. Waverly and I have had some pretty heavy make-out sessions, but then she stops it. I’d call her a tease if it weren’t for the fact that she has been seriously trying. She’s smiling and laughing and damn if I’m not falling for her. The thought both scares and thrills me at the same time.

  The truth is the last person I gave a chance to is the reason I hit rock bottom. Yet had she not done that, I’d never have met Waverly. There are days that I do miss Jenna, but Waverly brings more out of me than I thought I had to give. She makes me better in a way that I don’t think that Jenna could or would even try.

  In this time I’ve spent with Waverly, I see how selfless she is. More than that, she gives far more than she should often times forgetting herself. All I can hope is that I can give to her the way she selflessly gives to me and others.

  “Why do you always have to be a brat, Val,” Cam says defending me. “You know that blue balls are so hard to deal with.” They both roar with laughter. Once again, I find myself wondering why I did these weekly call-ins with them. They irritate me on the best days and today, I had one hell of a day.

  Groaning, I rub my hand over my face. “Please can it for a minute, will ya?”

  Their laughter immediately dries up, and Val’s concerned voice fills the line. “Are you doing okay?”

  Shaking my head, I sigh heavily. “No, I’m not. Do you remember the kid that I had told you about a while back?” When both of them acknowledged that they had, I continue. “He came into class today and I could tell something wasn’t right, but I didn’t approach it right then. I started the class, and as I was giving the lecture, I could hear some of the kids around him taunting him. So, I, of course, told the kids to zip their traps or they’d be receiving detentions for the interruption they were causing. Turning back, I returned to the lecture, and I was randomly calling on students to answer questions or give opinions. After about seven kids in, I call on this particular student to give an opinion about what I suggested. He mumbled something, but I couldn’t fully hear him.

  “So, I walked closer to him and asked him to repeat himself. He did, but again something was telling me there was something wrong. I didn’t want to embarrass him in front of all the class, so I went back to doing what I was doing. By the end of the class, as all the kids were leaving when the bell rang, I noticed that he was still in his seat his head on the desk.

  “I started calling out his name, but I got no response. So, I walked over and tapped him on the shoulder. Still, I got nothing. So, I pushed on his arm, and he slumped over.” My voice falters, and the panic consumes me again. “I thought he was dead. But when I finally realized what I needed to do, there was a pulse, but it was weak. I immediately called 911 and then laid him out on the floor. That’s when I saw how beaten up he was.”

  My voice trails off as I remember how Gene had been. I knew something was going on and yet I did nothing. He was facing a hell I did nothing about. As a teacher, making sure my students were okay was one of the things I prided myself in.

  “I knew something was going on and I sat back and did nothing. I did nothing to stop it or get him out of it.” I breathe as the tears fall down my cheeks.

  “Is he okay,” Cam asks after a few moments of silence.

  Was he okay? Hell no he wasn’t! Maybe he might be now for a little while, but what after he’s released.

  “He has a cracked skull, bleeding on his brain, more broke ribs than not. They said that there was internal bleeding and that beating had to h
ave been recent. They took him by life flight from the high school. If… If he makes it through all that faces him, what kind of life will he go back to? Gene was such a brilliant student then it suddenly changed, and I noticed. I noticed, and I didn’t do anything because I didn’t want him to clam up on me completely.”

  The silence fills the room, and suddenly I feel as though I’m drowning in it. Just then the door to my apartment flings open, and my sisters hurry inside. Each one on either side of me, hugging me tightly.

  “Don’t you dare blame yourself. You know how teenagers are. They will only talk when they want to. He didn’t want to talk about it.” Val says as she rubs my back like she used to when I was little.

  “Who knows when he is ready to talk about it, he could remember what you did for him and how you tried to make sure he knew you were there and call you for a listening ear,” Cam adds.

  Maybe they were right. Maybe he will remember that I had been trying to help him. That I had noticed he was struggling with something. I hope he does because all I’ve ever wanted to do is help others.

  When my mother passed, there was a stretch of time that it was just us kids. My father was too lost in grief to care for us. Then his anger hit him and it was directed toward us. He and I fought the most. But then guilt hit him. Things changed once he hit the guilt phase. That’s when we got our father back. However until we got to that point, we only had each other to depend on. I had that luxury. Gene hadn’t. He was an only child. Had he had siblings maybe things might have been different. Only time will tell, until then, I have to try and let myself off the hook for something that I couldn’t control.

  Seven

  Waverly

  Xander had called me almost a week ago saying he needed some time to deal with a matter at school and that he’d call when he was free. After getting a hold of his oldest sister, Valarie, I found out what has been going on. My heart breaks at the thought that he felt he needed to face this alone. So, I decide to help him.