Fighting To Stay Read online

  Fighting to Stay

  P. J. Belden

  © P. J. Belden, 2015

  This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of characters to actual persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. The author holds exclusive rights to this work. Unauthorized duplication is prohibited.

  © P. J. Belden, 2015

  All rights reserved under the International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to an online ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

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  Warning: The unauthorized reproduction or distribution of this copyrighted work is illegal. Criminal copyright infringement, including infringement without monetary gain, is investigated by the FBI and is punishable by up to 5 years in federal prison and a fine of $250,000. (http://www.fbi.gov/ipr/). Please purchase only authorized electronic or print editions and do not participate in or encourage the electronic piracy of copyrighted material. Your support of the author’s rights and livelihood is appreciated.

  In loving memory of my mother-in-law, Donna Belden, who lost her battle to breast cancer Dec. 31, 2014. As well as to my husband and sister-in-law who have lost so much in such a short period of time. I love you both so much.

  In honor of my mother-in-law (and all those suffering or have suffered from this merciless disease), the proceeds will be donated to the Susan G. Komen Foundation.

  Prologue

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Epilogue

  Available Now

  About Author P. J. Belden

  Many years ago, a boy walks into my life and suddenly I could not breathe. No, I mean literally—no airflow in my lungs! He fell into me and knocked the breath out of my lungs. Though I cried, something changed in me that day. At age seven though, I didn’t understand love or even know to feel that way about boys.

  Garrett Hepner crashed into me that day. Little did I know that he also crashed into my heart as well. Garrett was good friends with my older brother Josh. Being that Josh played the 'protective brother' role, there was a definite, ‘you can look, but don’t touch’ type of thing going on. However, over time, he became my best friend. We did everything together.

  The strain of loving him, and never being able to tell him, was growing harder and harder to ignore. No matter how much my heart wanted to scream at him that I love him and wanted to be with only him, I couldn’t. Losing him as a friend would kill me.

  My brother and sister would constantly tell me to just tell him, but I couldn’t risk the possibility of rejection. My heart aches as a memory of us together filters in.

  “Dee, come here. I need your help,” Garrett calls breaking me from my thoughts.

  Heading out to the living room of my apartment, I find him messing with the radio.

  “What… did you forget how to read?” I joke.

  “No, I need you to dance with me,” he smiles as he stands up.

  “Why,” I scrunch my face up to hide the blush.

  “Because I need you to tell me how I do,” he says matter-of-factly as he gathers me in his arms.

  My heart stutters in my chest. Desperately, I try to keep calm. Being this close to him, feeling his arms around me… I must be dreaming.

  He pulls me tighter against him and sighs. The song What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flatts starts playing. The more the lyrics play on the harder it is to keep the tears at bay. It was like he was trying to tell me something, I just didn’t know what or even if he was.

  His arms tighten around me and I move both my arms around his neck and bury my face. There is no doubt now, I know he can feel my tears. Still we sway back and forth to a song that continues to rip me to shreds.

  When the song ends, we continue to hold each other and sway to the silence in the room. I wasn’t moving. Holding him like this… I’m memorizing every single second.

  “Why are you crying, Dee?” He whispers after a moment.

  “I feel like you’re trying to tell me something and I’m praying it’s not goodbye,” I blubber as I pull back and meet his eyes.

  His look was intense and almost pleading. “I’ll never be able to say goodbye to you, Dee. Never,” he whispers as he cups my face in his hands, wiping my tears away with his thumbs.

  His head lowers slightly and my heart is screaming for him to kiss me, to feel the same way I do. But he only kisses my check.

  He meant it. He could never say goodbye to me. After that day, he just up and left. When he left, he took my heart with him. I never wanted it back.

  Falling in love with your best friend is a recipe for disaster. I would make one all over again if it meant I had that time back with Garrett.

  Two years later…

  Closing my eyes, I try to make my brain accept what I’ve just been told. Shaking my head, but I still cannot clear the words from my mind. They keep playing on repeat in my head. Like a never-ending loop of, ‘We’ve found a lump on your breast. The blood tests indicate an elevation in your white blood cells. The blood marker tests have diagnosed the breast cancer and determined it has not moved to other parts of the body. We need to do a biopsy to see if it is cancerous or not. There is always that chance of a false positive.’

  I am not even sure if I even understand what the TRU-QUANT and CA 27.29 tests are, but I do know it means that this biopsy will probably come back as positive. Ugh! I feel—lost right now!

  “Me? Breast Cancer? At my age?”

  “I know this comes at quite a shock to you, Ms. Bryner. Considering your age and health, it is the last thing I expected to find. However, we have found it and we need to act now. Waiting could be dangerous,” Dr. Garrett Hepner states.

  “But…” My voice breaks off. “But I’m only twenty-five.”

  Dr. Garrett reaches forward placing his hand over mine. “I know. We used to be best friends. I wish I could tell you this is just some rude and mean joke, but it isn’t. I am sorry, but it’s not. We need to get you scheduled for a biopsy now. It may not be cancer. It could be benign. However, this is the next step we have to take. We will get this checked, without knowing it can be disastrous. We need answers. Okay?”

  Nodding my head, I glance at my once best friend as he tries to reassure me that it could be nothing. His dark hair and bright green eyes stare at me with such compassion and it kills me more. We’ve not seen each other in about two years and here he is acting like my best friend again, as if no time at all has passed.

  Straightening my back and squaring my shoulders, “Okay, schedule it then. It’s probably nothing anyway.”

  Forcing a smile on my face, I push all negative thoughts to the back of my mind. There is no way I am going to play the ‘why me’ card. I’m not going to let something like this stop me. Life is mine and it will be mine until I choose to let it go. I have so much more life to live—to make my mark on the world.

  Smiling, Garrett looks at me and says, “That’s the Donna I remember.”

  Hopping down from the examination tabl
e, I grab my purse off the chair and toss the strap on my shoulder. After setting the biopsy appointment for tomorrow, I walk from the office and head to my car. Once behind the wheel, the force of the tension builds even more as I put the car into reverse.

  “I need to do something tonight to keep my mind off things,” I mumble to myself.

  When I arrive home, I see Vince’s car in my parking spot. No matter what, the man will never park in guest parking because he cannot put that much dirt on his shoes. Rolling my eyes as I remember the conversation over him getting his precious shoes dirty. Why am I still with him, I’m just not sure at the moment.

  Walking the three flights of stairs gives me far too much time to think. Vince and I have been together for a year now. We met when I was picking up an order for my brother and sister from the restaurant. They came into town to help me move. The restaurant messed up part of my order that left me waiting there for ten minutes. He talked to me the whole time. As I was going to leave, he asked me out on a date. Josh and Hailey made me accept it. Hailey even called and pretended to be me.

  He was not all bad in the beginning, but as time has moved forward, the more he has lapsed in how he cares for me. Vince is one of those dreamer types. He wants to be rich and famous, but when it comes down to working for it... forget it—he will not do it. Cropped hair, loaded in hair gel, brown eyes, medium height with a meaty build. He wasn’t built, but he worked out. He is really an average man. What attracted me to him was how attentive he was to me. Was is the operative word now, of course. Now, all he wants is to get rich without actually having to do anything for it. Getting something for nothing is all he wants. Lazy—sums it up.

  “Where have you been?”

  “The doctor’s office. When did you get here?”

  “An hour ago. Did the doctor figure out what’s going on?” Vince snips, not looking away from the television.

  “Yeah. I need you to take me to the hospital tomorrow. They are doing a biopsy to check to see if the lump they found is cancerous or not. Can you take me?”

  He sits up and stares at me for a moment. “Yeah, but you’ll be buying me something to eat while I wait for you.”

  How did I know he was going to tell me that? “Actually, never mind. I’m going to call Hailey or Josh to take me. I’m sure they’d have no problem helping me.”

  Vince stands from the couch. “I said I’d take you.”

  Forcing a smile on my face, I walk over to him and pat his arm. “It’s okay. I haven’t seen my brother or sister in a while. I miss them. It will be great to see what is going on in their lives.”

  I hear a loud growl coming from within him. Then the next sound is the crack and crumbling of my drywall, which always follows. Vince's agitation level is quick to spike. This is so routine now that I don’t even flinch this time. I’m not sure what his deal is this time, but I’m sure I’m about to find out.

  “Why do you always have to turn to those bastards rather than me,” he roars.

  Turning slowly, I point a finger in his chest. “They are not bastards! They are my siblings. I turn to them because they are my family.”

  “And I’m not,” he snaps behind me.

  “No, you’re not,” I say softly before closing myself in the bathroom.

  Staring in the mirror, I really look at myself. Vince cannot even register on my worry radar now. In addition, I will not let the possibility of having cancer enter my mind. I’m too young for this to actually be happening. Shaking my head, it is not cancer. It is a boil. Yep, that is what it is—a freaking boil. That is the only acceptable diagnosis.

  Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I call Josh and hope that he’s not busy.

  “Boogaleezoo, long time no talk to,” he teases with his little nicknames he gives.

  “I know. I’m so sorry. Things have been crazy around here.”

  “Oh yeah,” he says sounding irritated. “How’s Mr. Crazy?”

  Josh has never liked Vince. He always thought I could do better, but that’s what a brother is supposed to think. Well, that’s what I thought when he first voiced his opinion. I am unsure now, he may be right. Vince has been off. There’s no romance left. He was such an attentive and romantic man when we met. Now, not so much.

  “He’s…” I am not sure how to answer the question. “I called to ask a favor of you,” I say instead of answering the question.

  “Sure, Sis, you know I’ll do anything in the world for you.”

  Now here comes the part that I dread. “I need you to take me to the hospital tomorrow at nine in the morning. Would you be willing to do that for me?”

  There is a long pause and I have to pull my phone away from my ear to make sure that he is still on the line. The more the silence last on the line, the more nervous I become.

  “Josh? If you can’t take me that’s fine, I can have Vince or Hailey do it.” I fidget.

  “No,” he practically yells. “No, I can do it, but I need to know… did Vince…”

  “Oh, God, no. No, I have to have a test done. They just said it is recommended I not drive.”

  “A test… Donna, what aren’t you telling me?”

  Getting irritated, I snap at him. “Just don’t worry about it. I will see you here at eight. Love you.”

  Hanging up the phone, I sit on the edge of the tub. Lord, please let this be nothing. Hurting my siblings is not an option. We’ve lost enough. I can't put them through anything else. Just the thought of hurting them cuts me to the core. Swiftly, I wipe the stray tear away.

  Right on the dot, Josh pulls in front of my apartment. Today, I waited for him to arrive out front. After last night, Vince probably would have made today so much harder on me than it already is. He was so mad last night. Thankfully, like normal, I made him supper and he turned all lovey dovey again—imagine that. You give a control freak what they want, and then they transform.

  When Vince is all lovey, I remember why I have been with him. He could make me feel so damn special. Last night, I needed that. I’m freaking out a bit. Trying my hardest not to think about it, but it isn’t working. My mind keeps wandering back to those thoughts of 'what if.'

  “Hey Sis.”

  “Morning. Let’s get this done and over with.”

  Josh gives me a hug and holds me tighter than he normally does. “Yeah, sure.”

  My brother is worried about me, but he doesn’t need to. He needs to focus on himself. I’ll be fine.

  The drive to the hospital is long and quiet. This isn’t normal for my brother. Normally, he’s poking me in the sides, talking in a funny voice, or chatting about this woman that he’s met online. There is nothing today. That worries me. He’s focusing too much on me, I know him.

  Looking over at him, I am noticing all his signs, the chewing on his mustache, the shaking of his leg, and the quietness. It is killing him that I am not telling him anything. Honestly, though, there is just nothing to tell right now.

  My brother is extremely handsome. He reminds me a lot of our Dad. His dark hair, a little on the longer side, hazel eyes, broad shoulders and bright smile, he will definitely make someone very happy one day. I often call him a bear.

  “How’s Pollyanna doing?” I ask unable to stand the silence any longer.

  “Good, I think. We haven’t talked in a couple days. She’s dealing with a family emergency.”

  “Oh.”

  Well, that didn’t work. Thankfully, we pull into the parking lot and I gather my purse and climb from his truck. It was our Uncle’s truck. They had two vehicles between him and my aunt that they were selling. Hailey bought one and Josh bought the other. I didn’t need one. Unlike my siblings, I live in town and can get wherever I need to go on the bike or moped. Though I do own a car, I only drive it when the weather is too crappy to use either of my other modes of transportation.

  Yesterday, I drove my car because I just had that feeling in my stomach that I’d want the stability of four wheels rather than two. Though I wish I had rode
my bike there, it would have given me more time to think.

  After checking in, I start filling out the paperwork. My brother sat next to me. He still isn’t really talking. Maybe it is because I yelled at him yesterday. It wasn’t on purpose. I just have a lot on my mind. I know if I try to explain that to him, then he’d need to know what is going on. I’m not ready to tell them that yet.

  “Donna Bryner?”

  “Yes,” looking up from my paperwork.

  “We can take you back now. You’ll have time to finish your paperwork back here if you aren’t finished yet,” the nurse explains.

  “Oh, okay.” Turning, I face my brother. “I’ll be back in a bit. Here’s twenty dollars, go ahead and get yourself something on me.”

  Making a move to stand, Josh surprises me as he stands with me and hugs me tightly. “I love you,” he whispers.

  Teary eyed, I look up at my brother. “I love you too. See you soon.” Forcing my best smile for his benefit, I grab my purse and follow the nurse into the back.

  I follow the nurse to an empty room. To keep myself from thinking too much, I went back to work on the mundane paperwork. It is just enough to keep me from overthinking everything.

  A few minutes later and I am done. Setting it on the stand next to me, I fold myself in half with my head resting on my knees.

  “Donna,” the deep raspy voice fills my ears.

  Looking up at Garrett, I plant another fake smile on my face. “Hello, Dr. Hepner.”

  “Ouch, that hurts,” he smiles. “This beautiful woman only sees me as a doctor,” he holds his hand to his chest in a playful gesture.

  For the first time since being at the doctor yesterday, I smile a real smile and laugh slightly.

  “Ah, that’s better. I don’t like fake smiles on you,” he smirks.

  Garrett could always make me smile no matter what, but he also knew when I was faking them too.

  “Thank you, I needed that. How long will this take?”