Finding an Angel Page 10

  So as you settle into your studies and you work toward your dream, I hope you smile and think of your friend back home and our memories we created. Most of all though, I hope you find a life of your own and as much as this pains me to say, I hope you find the love that is meant to be yours for all eternity. No matter what happens from this point forward, I want you to remember how much I love you and even if you may not think so this kills me to write.

  You deserve so much more than I can give you or even hope to give you. You are and will always be my best friend. I’ll be here as a friend for the rest of my life. Even if it kills me, I’ll never hate you or be mad at you for finding what I can’t give you.

  Carmela and Parker said they will come by when they have time, so know that I’m not alone. You gave me friends. There will be a gift arriving when you get to your dorm. If I timed it right, it should be there as you show up.

  So for one final time, I love you, Hunter. This however is the end of the road for everything, but our friendship. It’s what’s best for you. I truly believe that.

  Have a great time in college. Live a life that I know you truly want to live. But most of all Hunter, never ever give up on what you want and dream of. You will be the best architect out there of that I’m sure of it.

  Your Best Friend (I hope)

  Jessa

  Turning around and heading back home was exactly what I had had planned until her gift arrived and I opened it up finding the most stunning painting I think she’s done to date. It was a close up of a couple from the shoulders down. The woman was cuddled into the man’s side with her hand on his chest. His hand covered hers while the other was wrapped around her shoulder, hugging her to him. All around them were the wild flowers that grew just beyond the creek. In the top left corner the words, ‘I love you with more than my heart, but with my eyes, hands, body and soul.’ In the bottom right corner was a signature ‘Angel’.

  When my roommate came in and saw that hanging on the wall he looked at it for a long time then his eyes went wide. Apparently, Jessa has been selling her paintings and doing quite well at it. As her artist name, she chose Angel.

  For days, I tried to reach her, but she wouldn’t take my calls. Her mom told me she said it was too soon. Just then a squeal breaks me from my memories.

  “Daddy! Daddy!” Two very excited almost ten year olds come running up to me, both of them looking just like their mother.

  “Are your brothers still sleeping?”

  “Yup,” Carmen nods her head proudly.

  “We are good big sisters,” Carmela states.

  Smiling at my girls who look just like their mama that it kills me sometimes when I see them, I kneel down and hug them tightly to me. After a moment, I stand back up.

  “So this is where you met Mommy?”

  Nodding my head, I point to the window I first saw her from. “See that window right there?” They both nod. “She was watching me from that window right there.”

  “We want to go see Nana and Papa please,” they beg together.

  “Go ahead. Hey, remember…” I start.

  “We know Daddy. We all still hurt,” Carmen says sadly causing my eyes to shimmer with tears.

  Nodding my head, I watch as they run off and run up the back steps of the porch. Soon they disappear inside. Turning my head back to the land before me, my mind drifts back to when I found out she was pregnant with our girls.

  Eighteen years old, Thanksgiving Break

  Gripping the steering wheel tighter and tighter the closer I got to home. Jessa stopped accepting my phone calls, quit writing me and all so suddenly. My heart is in my throat. If anything happened to her, I’m not sure I’ll survive. As much as Jessa wanted me to, I’ve not moved on. In fact every woman that has come up to me, I’ve told them I have a girlfriend and am not interested.

  Just because Jessa feels as though she’s holding me back doesn’t mean she actually is. In fact, she’s the reason I didn’t give up on everything when Hawk died. Just as I thought in bed with her on Prom night, I’m going to marry her. I have a ring now and I plan on asking her the minute I see her.

  Instead of pulling into my drive, I pull into hers. Rushing to the back of the house, I see Mr. and Mrs. Rawlins on the porch like normal.

  “Where’s Jessa? Is she okay?”

  “She’s in the flowers…”

  I didn’t hear the last of what Mr. Rawlins was saying because I run full pelt toward the flowers. And soon there she is facing away from me looking out over the flowers. My mind is a whirl of words, but the only things that make it from my mouth are words I want to say, but are not exactly how I mean to say them to her when I thought of this moment.

  “I’m not moving on, Angel. You are it for me. You always have been. There’s no one else out there that can complete me the way you do. Please Jessa will you take me back, love me again, marry me? I’ll make you the best damn husband I can possibly be. When I finish college, we can buy our own place start a family the whole nine yards. I just need you in my life Jess. I can’t live without you. Marry me, please?”

  Without turning around she says, “Why are you asking me to marry you?”

  “Because you are my everything and I was already planning my proposal on Prom night. Without you, I’m nothing. But with you… Angel, there’s nothing I can’t see, feel, or do,” I answer as I step across the creek. “Jessa?”

  It’s then she turns around and my heart stops. My eyes are frozen on her swollen belly. When I finally look into her eyes, she’s crying and I move quickly to pull her into my arms.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Because I didn’t want you giving up your life for me.”

  “When will you understand that letting you go is the only time I’m giving up on my life?”

  “But you…”

  “There’s online schooling. There’s the community college. There are a lot of answers baby and options. I don’t want to live without you. I want you with me forever and always and we are already starting on the family,” I joke.

  She laughs through her tears, and when she looks down she sees what’s in my hands. “Oh, my, Gosh!” Her hands fly to her mouth. “You got me a ring?”

  “I told you Jessa. I love you. There’s no one else for me… Only you. Will you marry me? We’ll figure everything out together.”

  Nodding her head, she breathes out, “Yes.”

  Moving us over to our tree where we shared our first ‘real’ kiss, I lean back against it and pull her onto my lap. She snuggles right into me and I can’t help, but smile. My Angel is mine again. My heart skips a beat.

  Needing her to laugh again, I make a joke. “It was the night before we said goodbye and I headed off to college not realizing you were breaking up with me, wasn’t it?”

  She laughs, but then looks serious, “I think so. But I don’t get it. We used protection.”

  I can’t help but to laugh, I am damn happy right now. Jessa said yes to me and I’m going to be a daddy. No better feeling in the world.

  “I don’t see what’s so funny here.”

  “Not funny. I’m just happy. Plus, Angel, we had one hell of a goodbye marathon and condoms are not completely fool proof.”

  “I know,” she blushes. “I thought one of us was going to die that night.”

  Again laughter spills out and I hug Jessa tighter to me. “I couldn’t picture a better way to go than making love to the woman that holds me heart, body and soul.”

  We are quiet for a moment. Honestly, for a moment there, I thought she fell asleep.

  “The voices are back,” she says quietly.

  Unable to hold back any longer, I ask. “Will you tell me about them? It’s the one thing you’ve never really opened up about with me.”

  “I didn’t want you to…”

  Kissing her soundly, I stop her from saying something bad about herself. “Don’t talk bad about my future wife.”

  A small smile plays on her lips and sh
e rests back against me. “There are bad ones and there are good ones. Miss Molly and Miss Lily they were the good voices.”

  Leaning forward, I pull out my gift for her. “How about you call her Miss Daisy?”

  Her smile is blinding. “Thank you so much!” She hugs the doll to her tightly.

  For a moment, I thought maybe she forgot she was explaining the voices to me. But just as I open my mouth to ask a question she continues.

  “So I carried them around with me everywhere so I could hopefully drown out the bad. The bad voices scare me. They are these black scary things with beady red eyes. When they aren’t fighting, the good and the bad, the bad voices are telling me how stupid I am, to kill myself, that I’m ruining everyone’s lives… You know…”

  “What do you mean when they are fighting?” It takes everything out of me not to show the pain I am feeling for her.

  “They fight against each other to decide if I deserve to live or die…”

  My memory flashes back to the horrible moment that still sneaks up on me in my dreams.

  “So that day, when we came to thank you for our paintings…” I’m unable to finish and I can feel tears in my eyes.

  “The bad won.”

  “But they went away for a while?”

  “Yeah with my medication they had me on and being with you,” she ends softly.

  “Well, you have me forever and always. So have they changed your medication because of the pregnancy?” And for the first time, I rest my hands on her belly. “Wow,” I breathe, amazed.

  She places her hands over mine and smiles up at me. “I love you Hunter.”

  “God, I thought I’d never hear you say that again,” I claim her mouth in a fiercely possessive kiss.

  “Wow,” she breathes when I break away.

  “Never do that to me again.”

  “I won’t. I promise. I’m yours forever,” she promises.

  “Good because that killed me, Angel. You are my everything. More than that. Please understand, I’ve missed nothing because everything I’ll ever need or want is right here in my arms.”

  A tear slips down her cheek and I reach up and wipe it away. Shaking her head, she goes back to my original question.

  “Yes, they had to lower my dose of Geodon that I was taking and that’s what helped with the voices the most.”

  “Is it not safe to take right now?”

  “It’s not that. Well, it kind of is because they can’t be certain of the effects on our baby, so they are just taking precautions. If I’m a bit skittish, please understand why. Please.”

  “Of course I do, Angel. Thick or thin, I’m right here.”

  Shaking her head, she laces our fingers together. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you, but I hope to never lose you again.”

  “Never. You didn’t lose me before, you won’t lose me now or in the future. You’ve been it for me since we were seven years old, Angel. Someday I pray you see yourself the way that I do.”

  Lifting her head, she meets my eyes and tears fall down her temples. “Someday I hope to be the woman you see.”

  “You already are,” I breathe before kissing her. “Now, should we tell your parents about our engagement?”

  She beams as she wipes away the tears. “You know they said that you’d never give up on me. That they’d bet their last dollar on it.”

  “Well, they’d win then, wouldn’t they?”

  Helping her stand, I push to stand next to her. Pulling her into my arms, I kiss her with all that I’m worth. Showing her with this kiss all the love I have for her, my hands move to her hair and I tighten them at the base to deepen the kiss.

  “Whoa,” she stumbles a bit, but I don’t mind. It gives me another excuse to hold her.

  “Yeah. I love you, Jessa. I’m surprised not to see my parents here,” I laugh until I see her face. “What?”

  “I kind of cut your parents out of my life when I cut you out. They don’t know about the pregnancy or anything.”

  Shaking my head, I smirk. “You stubborn woman,” I laugh and she soon joins me.

  “My parents can call them over though. They call and talk all the time still.”

  “My guess is they are already there by my surprise show up at your house and not mine,” I laugh as I lift her into my arms and carry her over the creek.

  Sure enough as we walk back and get in sight of the house my parents are sitting with Jessa’s.

  “Mom, Dad, I’m glad you’re here. We have some great news. I’ve asked Jessa to marry me and she said yes. Then of course I get the shock of a lifetime when she turns around and I find out that I’m going to be a father,” I beam.

  Mom spits out her drink and Dad coughs pounding on his chest. Both rise from their chairs and head our way, I see the tears shimmering in my mom’s eyes.

  “My boy,” she chokes out.

  Wrapping her in my arms, I hug her. “I love you, Mama.”

  My father shocks me by a real hug and a strong one. “I love you too Pops.”

  They both turn to Jessa, who was visibly shaking, to shower her with love that she wasn’t expecting.

  “My darling child, never cut us off like that. It hurt just as bad as watching my baby boy drive away to go to college.”

  “I’m sorry, Ma’am,” Jess mumbles.

  “No need to apologize honey. We talked to your parents. They told us that they think you were just having a hard time adjusting to being without our son,” my father states as he comes to give me a hug.

  “How’s school going?”

  “Well, I think. But I don’t want to go back now. I want to be here for Jessa every step of the way for our new journey together into parenthood.”

  Jessa spun around so quickly, I thought she’d fall over so I reached out for her. Her face was hard to read for the first time ever since I met her. However, I know what she’s going to say.

  “Jessa, Angel, I know you want me to go to school and get my degree. But even before I found out you were pregnant, I was already considering coming back. Baby, it’s one thing to reach for a dream, but it’s a whole different thing to reach for a dream that you spouted off that you wanted just because your parents were pushing to know.”

  She looks at my parents as confused as them. “You don’t want to be an architect?”

  “No, not really. I want to get in there get my hands dirty and build a name for myself. I’ve already been in talks with a guy here. His name is Davis. He would gladly take me on and let me work my way up and eventually when I’m ready, he’d hand the reins over to me to keep the company going.”

  “Doesn’t he have his own kids to hand it down to?” My father questions.

  “No because unlike how lucky I have been over the years. His wife was unable to be saved because no one listened or believed them about what she was going through. He never remarried or dated after that. Her focal point was building things. He said she was incredible at it. When I told him about my Jessa, he told me that he’d knew he’d find just the right person to take over I’m Just Me Construction. I’d really like to work for him. He does great work in the community for those with special needs, but does his best to bring awareness for what his wife suffered.”

  Tears fall down Jessa’s face and she moves her hands to her belly. My hands rest on top of hers. Leaning in, I kiss her lightly on the lips and kiss each eye before her mouth one last time.

  “I can provide for our family. Find us a great place to live. We would do well, Angel. This is the dream I’ve always wanted. To marry you, have a family, to share the rest of our days loving each other as we both deserve. Please tell me this is a dream we can share together.”

  A choked laugh escapes her beautiful lips as the tears continue to fall. “I’d say that me being in the equation is a must wouldn’t you?”

  Smiling, I nod my head. “That you are.”

  “So have you thought about where you want to live at,” Jessa’s mother asks.

  “Yes,
actually. If you’re all up for it, I can show you now?”

  We all climb into our vehicles. It’s as we are driving that I look at Jessa and wonder for a moment if she wants this.

  “Angel, if none of this is what you want then we don’t have to do any of it. But if you could please, wait until you see the place. I have a feeling you’re going to love it.”

  “Okay,” her voice is small. “How… how close to other people would we be?”

  “We wouldn’t. It’s about the same amount of land as our parents’ put together.”

  “Oh, okay.”

  Reaching across, I take her hand. “Please tell me if you don’t like something okay? We can figure out something else. Okay?”

  She turns to me and smiles. “I’ll do my best, but I have a feeling that I won’t need to.”

  Smiling in return, I squeeze her hand. “Why’s that?”

  “Because you know me better than I know myself sometimes. You’ll know before I can say anything to you,” she laughs.

  Unable to do anything else, I join her laughter. The statement, however, is true. I do know her better than she knows herself sometimes. At the same time though, I don’t want to continuously guess what she’s feeling, I need her to express it to me as well.

  Turning left down a gravel road that leads out to the house, she looks at me and smirks, “Well great now I have to pee.”

  The laughter that fills the car is both of relief and of love. Reaching over once again, I run my hand on her belly.

  “Do we know if we’ll be having a son or a daughter?”

  “Don’t know. Could be both. We’ll find out next month.”

  Pulling into the driveway in front of the pink house that to the right of it has a incredible flower garden that no matter the time of year will have flowers, I have been told.

  “I’m sorry, but explain to me how it can be both,” I ask nervously.

  “Oh in all the excitement, I forgot to tell you. We’re having twins,” and then she quickly exits the car.

  “Holy shit! Twins,” I mutter to the inside of the car before shaking off the shock and joining everyone at the bottom of the stairs.