The Fool Read online

  “What’s wrong?”

  “You are so strong,” she sobs. “This is killing you. I can see it in your eyes. Just as much as there’s love and joy there, there is also pain and sadness.”

  Kissing my niece softly on the forehead, I breathe in her baby freshness. My heart squeezes in my chest. Suddenly, the child I’m holding is not my niece but my son. His eyes still remain closed. The tube sits in his nose, no longer providing the oxygen that has been sustaining him.

  “Waverly?” My sister’s voice breaks me from my flashback.

  “I’m sorry, were you saying something?” I ask, trying to keep the pain from my voice.

  She smiles sadly but nods her head. “I was telling you that we’ve decided on her name.”

  “Really? What is it?”

  “We decided we wanted to name her after the strongest person we know. Meet your namesake, Waverly Natalie Thomas.”

  Tears fill my eyes, and I hug her tightly to me. “I can’t believe…” my words are cut off by the emotions that clog my throat.

  Starting to fuss, I take her to her mother. I kiss all three of them and make excuses to leave. Quickly, I leave the room and practically rush from the hospital and out to my jeep. Today is a happy day. It’s also one that is sending me back to the hole, a place I thought was behind me.

  The trip home seems longer than normal. Belatedly, I realize that I need to go grocery shopping. Turning the jeep around, I curse under my breath. I had been avoiding town as much as possible. I didn’t want to take a chance of running into Xander. My mind tells me to get the hell over it, but my heart doesn’t want to just yet. Though, even it has given up hope.

  Pulling into the local grocery store, I climb out and walk inside. Carver had got back to me yesterday, and yet again, like with the first one, there’s a bidding war over the movie. He’s all ecstatic because he believes this one will bring more than the first. I’m so glad, so many are finding so much joy from my pain. I can’t get angry, though. I’m the one that chose to write it.

  Just as I’m heading down another aisle, my phone begins to ring. Grabbing it out, I see the name and get a little irritated.

  “Carver, I have to know. Is my number the only one in your phone?”

  “You get annoyed, but do you realize what this is up to?” His excitement is too much for me to handle right now.

  “Honestly, I just don’t care for the five-minute updates. You got what you wanted me to do. You are doing the rest. That’s the reason I hired you. Remember?”

  “Damn, Angel! How can you not get excited about this? I mean, damn girl, you aren’t going to have to work the rest of your life if this keeps going up,” he laughs.

  “Seriously, Carver!” I almost shout. “I was done with that movie the minute I sent it to you. Just let me know when the contracts are in so I can read and sign them. Then I’ll wait for the money in my account.”

  “Damn, you need to get laid…”

  “Fuck you, Carver! One more thing like that to come out of your mouth and you’ll no longer be employed by me. I’ll find someone else!”

  With that, I hang up my phone and jam it in my pocket. Huffing, I push my cart forward and almost run right into a man. Looking up, I quickly want to run away.

  “Xander. Hi,” I say nervously.

  “Hey, how have you been? Sounds like you finished your project you were working on.”

  “Yeah,” I say adjusting a loaf of bread. “Now, I can get left in peace.”

  “Is this the movie two that I hear so much about on television?”

  Giving him a confused look, “It’s on the television already? It’s still in a bidding war right now.”

  He blushes. “It appears that watching a movie called To Die For is what sent Jenna back in my life. And so she’s been watching those shows with all the celebrity gossip. It’s on there.”

  Great so essentially, I got the two of them back together. Wow, I really know how to screw up my own life, don’t I?

  “Yeah,” I say through clenched teeth. “I’ve finished.” Knowing that I did this to myself makes me a little angry at myself. But it just figures.

  “I really loved the movie,” he says softly stepping a bit closer to me. “I understand now why it was hard for you to let go. I’m really sorry, Waverly.”

  “Thanks, but you are wrong on…” Shaking my head, I stop myself from revealing something that could ruin his happiness. “Thank you, Xander. Your compliment means a lot.

  We stand there in an awkward silence for a moment. Xander is looking at me expectantly almost, as if he wants me to say something, but he won’t push me to do it. At this point, I don’t know if it’s something he really wants to know. Or maybe it’s just something that he feels has been left undone. Finally, he takes a step back and sighs.

  “So, you’re doing well then?”

  I smirk. “Really, you don’t have to do this, Xander.” Honestly, I didn’t want to do this. To see him and know that his happiness did not lie with me, but with the person that sent him in my life to begin with. To know how alone I feel now after sharing so many nights with him, in his arms, it’s hard.

  “You were mine for a while,” he says softly. “It’s hard to shut that off.”

  God, he can’t say things like that to me. This is why I avoid town as much as possible.

  “Hey, you made your choice.”

  “But have you ever wondered if it was my decision or yours? Moreover, are we really sure it was the right one no matter who made it?”

  Shaking my head, I know I need to end this conversation and quick. “It’s fine, Xander. I’ll survive. I’ve survived worse.” I give a small tentative smile.

  “That’s not fair, Waverly, and you know it.”

  “Look, you didn’t promise me anything, I know that. Your life belongs to Jenna. Enjoy it.” I pat him on the arm.

  He opens his mouth to say something but is cut off by the voice that cuts between us. “Alex baby, do you remember if we have ice cream at home?” She asks as she walks over with the cart.

  Xander turns toward her and smiles. “No, I think you finished the last of it off last night.”

  “Oh,” she stops short and looks at me. “Hello. Are you a friend of Alex’s?”

  Before Xander can answer, I say, “No, we just know each other from a student of his. Thank you for the update. It’s good to know that Gene is doing well. I’ll see you around.”

  Pushing my cart around them, I ignore the glare that Xander is giving me. Instead, I continue to shop for my groceries like nothing has happened. Once I’m finished, I pay and load up my car. As I go to climb behind the wheel, I see a note on the front of my car under the wiper. Standing up, I grab the note and settle back in my jeep.

  Once I’m home, I unload my groceries and grab myself a drink. Heading out onto my deck, I take my normal place. Digging in my pocket, I pull the note out.

  I won’t pretend to understand what you’re doing. You were and always will be more than a friend to me. One day, I think we need to talk.

  Crumbling up the letter, I owe him nothing. “I owe nobody anything,” I shout to the forest and water that surround me.

  Life has a cruel and hurtful way of showing you what you want and taking it all away. Getting involved with Xander was never a permanent thing. I knew that before my therapist had told me. She often said things that pissed me off only for me to realize later that she was right.

  Xander was important at the time. He gave me the lift I needed but wouldn’t ask for. That’s why his demands and unrelenting attitude gave me the out I needed from my depression. That didn’t mean that my feelings for him weren’t real, but they weren’t true either. The love for him, I believe, comes from him saving me. He had too. If he hadn’t come into my life when he had, I honestly don’t know where I would have ended up.

  I’m not drinking as much. Just a shot here and there, mainly to settle my nerves. Actually, I’m spending a lot more time with my family and f
riends. Jess is doing so much better. Turns out my talk with Henry went over well. When Jess arrived home, he’d had the house cleaned and a candlelight dinner waiting for her. They have told me that they are going to start trying again for a baby. Honestly, I couldn’t be happier for them if I tried.

  “Remy,” I say as I begin my nightly talks to my baby. “Your cousin was born today. She’s beautiful. I know you’d be so in love with her if you were here.” A tear slips down my cheek. “Mommy thought of you immediately when I held her. She’s doing everything you didn’t and couldn’t do. Every day I ask God why you had to leave me. Still don’t have the answer to that, but I can promise you that I’ll never forget you.”

  Bending over, I lay my head in my lap as I cry. My counselor says this pain will heal. Right now it still suffocates me. Holding my niece in my arms brought everything back like it was yesterday.

  “Push! Push harder…” The nurses and doctor urge me over and over again.

  “I’m so tired,” I breathe.

  “You can do it. Your little one wants to meet you. Now let’s bring him or her into the world,” the nurse on my right says with a smile.

  Nodding my head, I lean up and push harder than I’ve ever pushed before. The nurse standing on the other side of me turns to the machine behind her. She looks at me and smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes.

  “The baby’s in distress,” she says to the doctor.

  The doctor leans over and looks at the monitor that the nurse hides from me. “Okay, Waverly, I need you to push with all that you have. We need to greet your baby now. Okay?”

  Nodding, fresh tears start streaming down my cheeks. Curling forward, the nurses support me from behind while I push with everything I have left in me. I don’t stop, even when my head begins to throb and my lungs ache from the lack of oxygen. My jaw aches as I clench it tightly to keep from screaming.

  It feels like forever has passed when the doctor announces the baby is out. Flopping back against the pillows behind me, one nurse leaves my side while the other uses a rag to wipe my forehead.

  “You did great,” she smiles at me.

  “I wish the father was here to see it,” I whisper.

  It’s then that I realize the silence in the room. I look up at the nurse who tries to avoid eye contact with me.

  “Where’s my baby? Why didn’t I hear a cry?” I ask the nurse as she tries to evade me.

  “The doctor will speak with you in a moment. I can’t give you answers right now.”

  The sadness in her eyes causes a heavy weight to settle in my stomach. Something is wrong, and my heart already begins to break before I even know what it is.

  “I want to breastfeed. Please don’t bottle feed…” I trail off. With tears in my eyes, I look at the nurse. “Did I have a boy or a girl?”

  “A boy, ma’am,” she answers sadly.

  “Can I hold him yet?”

  “The doctor will be over in a few minutes to talk to you.”

  Those minutes seems to drag by until I felt years could have been passing by. The doctor comes over, but he didn’t hold my son.

  “Where’s my son?”

  “Your son needs immediate attention. I don’t know how the ultrasounds didn’t catch some of the things. I will explain more to you later, but I need your permission right now to do surgery.”

  Nodding my head, I don’t know if I actually say anything, but he must have gotten what he wanted because he hurried from the room. The room is suddenly empty, and I begin to panic in the silence. Unable to handle the quiet any longer, I grab my cellphone and call my mom.

  “Waverly? It’s awfully late honey. Are you okay?” My mom’s groggy voice fills the line.

  “I’m at the hospital. Please come right away,” I sob.

  “We’re on our way.” The sleepiness immediately left her voice, and she was wide awake.

  After giving her the room number, I hang up the phone and let my tears fall. Something is wrong with my baby, and I don’t even know what it is. Looking up at the ceiling of the room, I pray to God to save my baby.

  A few moments later, the door to my room bursts open and in walks my parents. When my dad’s eyes meet mine, I burst into tears. My parents wrap me in arms as I cry.

  “What’s going on, pumpkin?”

  “You have a grandson,” I say through choked sobs.

  Their eyes light up, and they smile. When I don’t smile, they look around the room. I can see the worry then fill them even before they ask where he is.

  “He’s in surgery. I don’t know what’s wrong. They said he needed it and they’d explain it all later,” my sobs come harder again.

  The sound of my phone ringing breaks through my flashback. Shaking my head, I wipe the tears from my cheeks and take a deep breath. Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I look at the caller ID. It says Private Number. Not sure who it would be and this late at night, I decide to answer it.

  “Hello?”

  Silence fills the line.

  “Hello?” I say again, getting a little more agitated.

  When I’m still met with no response, I hang up the phone. My guess is that it’s a telemarketer verifying my number. Shrugging it off, I look back out at my piece of heaven. The loneliest space…

  “No. What I’m asking you is to talk about whatever it was that caused you to close off. You are almost in robotic mode, Waverly. I can see it. I’m sure your family can too.” Tiana, my counselor, says as I try to avoid the topic again.

  “Nothing happened. Xander and I broke up. That’s it.”

  “There’s more than that. Why do you come in here if you don’t want to talk about what’s bothering you.”

  How does she expect me to tell her what happened? She’d find me certifiably insane. There’s just no way I’d risk anyone thinking I am crazy. The problem is I think I might be crazy. To have someone else confirm it, well, it scares me.

  “I have been talking. What else do you expect from me?”

  She leans forward, her shoulder length blonde hair drifting over her shoulders with the action. “I want to help you, Waverly. I want to see you enjoying life again. Something happened. Something that has you drawing into yourself. You can’t move forward if you keep whatever this is that’s holding on to you to yourself and not work through it.”

  Frustrated with her, I throw my hands in the air. “I swore I saw Legend in the bar the night I broke up with Xander. There! Are you happy? I’m going fucking crazy!”

  Tiana sits back in her seat and makes some notes in her book. “Why do you think you’re going crazy?”

  “Seriously? I’m sitting here telling you that I swore I saw a dead man and you ask me that?”

  She smiles at me. “We all deal with loss differently. You seeing him does not make you crazy. It does speak a lot about the love you had – maybe still have – for him. Maybe it’s partly by guilt.”

  “Guilt?” What in the world did I have to feel guilty for?

  “Because you loved Legend with all you had and then you found yourself in the arms of another man. Even though you know that Legend is gone, I think you still hold on to hope that the past hasn’t already gone. Tell me what happened when you thought you saw him?”

  “I had just watched Xander walk away to his happily ever after and I went to the bar and talked a bit with Randal. When I went to get Randal’s attention again, I saw him standing at the other end of the bar. There was almost a shocked look on his face. He moved toward me, and I breathed his name before turning and running out to my jeep and hurrying home.”

  Tiana is silent as she writes in her book, probably referring me to some psych facility or something. Closing her book, she smiles at me as she stands from her chair. She sets her book on her desk and tells me that the session is up. My mouth drops open.

  “You aren’t going to talk about what I just told you?”

  “No. This is something that you need to figure out for yourself. What reason would he ‘show’ up now? If
it’s guilt, then you need to figure out how to let that go. You can’t feel guilty for moving on with your life. I can listen and help instruct you where I can, but this needs to be you.”

  All I can do is nod my head and stand up to leave. I can’t believe she’s leaving me like this. I confess that I have seen Legend and she doesn’t seem to bat an eye, nor does she call me crazy. The drive home is in a daze. Once I’m seated in my normal spot on my deck, I pull out my phone and see that I’ve got a message from Carver.

  “Well, shit,” I breathe after I listen to the voicemail.

  The Fool finally sold, almost double what To Die For did. Now, I really had far more money than I know what to do with and all from the pain that resides like a black cloud inside my chest.

  It’s the reminder of the pain, and I remember I never paid for my drink that night. Hurrying inside, I grab my keys and head out to my Jeep. My stomach turns at the fact that I ran off without paying for my tab. It’s like I stole from Randal and his wife and that bothers me.

  Once in front of Hideaway, the out of the way rustic bar, I jump out and head inside. Randal’s back is to me, so I take a seat at the end of the bar and wait. When he turns around and sees me, he walks to me with purpose.

  “I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to run out without paying for my drink. I’m here to make amends.” I rush to say as I pull money out of my wallet. “I really didn’t mean to leave without paying. I…”

  “Shut up,” he says harshly. “Where the hell have you been?”

  Jerking my head backward, I just stare at the man that I thought was my friend. He’s never used that kind of tone with me. I’m at a lost.

  “I’m sorry,” I say unsure of what else to do.

  “You run out of here like a bat out of hell, and I’ve not seen you in weeks. What the hell? I don’t give a shit about your unpaid drink. We’ve come to care about you, and you just disappear.”

  All I can do is stare at him for a moment. The concern and worry are etched in his eyes and the wrinkles at the corners. Never did I imagine that he would worry about me. I was just a patron every evening to drown my sorrows. Well, actually, that had stopped when I decided to give my relationship with Xander a real shot. What a fool I’d been there? I should have known. Though, I can’t say I’d want to redo any of the time I spent with Xander. The truth of the matter is that he had made me happy. Having to pretend he’s nothing to me now hurt a lot more than I’ll admit to.