The Fool Page 7

  Hours fly by, and the scene finally slows down in my head. Standing from the chair, I walk to my kitchen to see it was getting dark outside. Going in search of my phone, I see that Xander has sent me several texts throughout the day.

  Is it sad that I can’t stop smiling?

  I find that I want to rewind and be back in the shower with you.

  Can’t wait to spend the weekend just us.

  Eating lunch and thought I’d check on how your meeting went.

  Hey my beauty where are you? Thought we were meeting at my house to have our weekend together?

  “Shit!” I shout as I rush up to my room, grab some clothes and then rush out to my car.

  Hurrying over to Xander’s house is a normal thing for me these days it seems, and it brings a smile to my face. Once I’m in front of his apartment, I reach into the passenger seat and grab my bag and head up to the door. Barely lifting my hand to knock on the door and it swings open again.

  “Where have you been?” He asks as he takes my bag from me and ushers me inside.

  “I’m so sorry. I got lost in my work. It happens when the flow is perfect and unrelenting.” Leaning into him, I kiss him deeply. “Am I forgiven?” I ask when I pull away.

  “Mmm, you are well on your way,” he laughs as his hands roam my butt.

  “How was your day dear?”

  “I got a surprising text today,” he smiles and my stomach drops.

  “Oh?”

  “The courts approved Terrance as a guardian for Gene. You completely changed and saved his life,” he cheers as he picks me up around the waist and spins us around.

  “Wow, that was really fast. Did his mom not protest at all?”

  He frowns. “I didn’t think of that.”

  “Let me call Terrance. I won’t pry, but just see.” I move and sit on the couch, and he sits next to me.

  Just as I place the call, his phone chimes. Maybe I won’t have to bother him if that was Gene texting Xander now. He types back, his face focused and serious. A niggling bit of doubt digs at the back of my mind, but I ignore it. It’s just because of the huge chance I’m taking. Everything is okay. It will be okay. The ringing in my ear stops finally, followed by Terrance’s greeting.

  “Hey boss, whatever it is, I didn’t do it.” He jokes.

  I laugh. Another ding from beside me and more texting. Gene must have the nurses occupied. But again that nagging in the back of my mind springs to life. My eyes strain to see his phone, but he is sitting at an angle and I can’t see it without being noticed. So, I shake the doubts from my head and focus back on my phone call.

  “I hear you’re a father,” I say. “Congratulations. This is incredible of you.” I say as I lean my head on Xander’s shoulder. He finishes typing real quick and shoves his phone in his pocket, wrapping his arm around me.

  “Yeah, his mother asked for money, and she’d not fight. I paid her off to keep that boy from having to suffer any further. As of three o’clock today, I’m officially a father of a teenager.” He laughs.

  “I thought you were just doing legal guardianship?” I ask, solely focused on the call now.

  “Yeah, it was the intention. But when his mom started asking for money, there was no way I was allowing him to remain attached to that for the rest of his life. Besides, he’s a great kid. If I can live up to his expectations, I think we both need this.”

  “What do you mean?”

  He sighs. “I have wanted kids for a while.” It’s all he says and I leave it at that. It isn’t my place to pry. But I know now that Gene will definitely have the life he deserves.

  We continue talking for a few more minutes before he is called away. When I set my phone on the table, Xander doesn’t seem to notice. He’s absentmindedly running his fingers up and down my arm, but his focus is definitely elsewhere.

  I nudge him. “What’s wrong? Everything okay with your sisters?”

  “Oh, yeah,” he shakes his head. “Did you find out why it was so quick?”

  “Yeah, she wanted money and Terrance paid it. Not only that, but he took full parental rights. Gene is now a Hart.”

  He shakes his head sadly. “Oh I bet he is over the moon thrilled with that. He’s idolized that man for a while. Used to be all I could get him to talk about when I asked for comparisons in class. But you know, it also has me thinking too. It makes you wonder if she ever loved that boy. And as happy as he is, I’m sure, to be the son of such a man, how is the whole thing effecting him, knowing his mom chose money over him.”

  “Well, I know Terrance very well. Gene will have the outlets he needs to work through whatever backlash this may cause for him. But to your other concern, I think a part of her had to have loved him to have raised him, wouldn’t you?”

  He shrugs and shakes his head sadly. “I’m just glad he’ll have a better life.”

  Resting back into his arms, we lay there quietly for a while. Then we start talking about what to have for supper. Before I realize it, we were falling asleep cuddled together on the couch.

  Waking, I look down at his sleeping form. There’s a look of… I don’t know. His brows are pulled together, and there’s a frown pulling the corners of his mouth down. Watching him, I lightly run my fingers over the indentation between his furrowed brows.

  “Why?” He suddenly asks, and I jerk my hand back as I jump.

  “Why what?” I ask as I look and see that he’s still sleeping.

  “Why wasn’t I enough?” His voice was sad, and it cracked with unknown emotion.

  “Why do you think it wasn’t enough?” I ask unsure of what else to say.

  “You left me.” He says simply enough.

  “Aren’t you happy now, though?” Tears stream down my face because I have to know.

  “I am, but I still worry that I won’t be good enough for her either.”

  “You’re good enough, Alex. She told me how much she loves you.”

  He takes a deep breath, and a tear falls from his eye. Blinking his eyes open, he meets mine. Sitting up quickly, he grabs my face. “What’s wrong?”

  “You were talking in your sleep.” My voice breaks off as I try to keep from breaking down completely, afraid of the hope that’s blooming in my chest.

  “Come here, baby.” He pulls me into his arms and holds me tightly to his chest. “Just a bad dream baby. Nothing to worry about. It’s okay.”

  Xander pulls me tightly against him as he lays back against the couch. That dream is enough to warn me that the hope in my chest needs to stop. If loved me, why hasn’t he said it? Has she been in contact with him? Should I just let him go, give up?

  Pressing several kisses to the top of my head, Xander moves his hand up and down my back. “It’s okay, baby. Really. It was just a bad dream. Nothing for you to get upset about.”

  Sniffling, I ask the question that I need him to say while awake. “Are you happy?”

  All movement from him stops. My heart freezes with it. He tips my head up and looks into my eyes.

  “How could you even ask that? After all that’s happened between us?” There was a hint of anger behind the hurt that shines in his eyes. Yet, he still didn’t answer my question.

  His lips meet mine in a rough, urgent kiss. I want his words, but for now, this will be enough. This will have to do. I can’t expect him to answer a question that I don’t think that I can answer right now myself. Why is it that my heart is the one always breaking?

  Eight

  Waverly

  “Waverly!” Jess screams from across the café that we were meeting in.

  Embarrassed at all the looks I am getting, I stand and embrace my longtime friend. She hugs me tightly, and I lose my breath for a moment. When we pull away, I notice her wipe a tear from her cheek. Taking our seats, she sets her purse down grabs a napkin from the dispenser and dabs her eyes.

  “How are you doing Jess?” I ask after giving her a moment to compose herself. Her brilliant red hair tilts down her chin as she looks thro
ugh her purse.

  “Well, uh,” she looks up at me then, and I see the dark circles under her eyes. Something in my gut tells me that pain has caused those. But what pain?

  Moving my chair around the table next to hers, I wrap my arm around her shoulders. “What’s wrong?”

  “You always put others before yourself. You see my pain, and the pain that was just heavy in your eyes is now dimmed by the concern for me. How do you do it?”

  “I love you. A lot has changed since we talked last. Now, tell me, what’s wrong?”

  Jess takes a big deep breath and pulls something from her purse handing it to me. Grabbing hold of it, I realize what I’m holding without having to flip it over. My heart squeezes tightly, turning it over only to confirm that it is an ultrasound picture of a baby. Five months, I would have to guess.

  “She’s beautiful,” I breathe.

  “That’s the last picture I have of her,” she says quietly.

  My eyes snap to hers. “Jess…” is all I can say as the tears fall quickly down my face.

  “She was moving and the life of the party in my stomach. Many nights I’d tell her to slow it down in there. Henry loved it. He’d lay his hand on my stomach and play with her, talk to her, it was the sexiest and sweetest thing I’ve ever seen. I’d give it all to have that back,” she breaks off in sobs.

  “I’m sorry Jess. I’m so sorry,” I cry with her.

  “They made me give birth to her. Then only gave Henry and me two minutes to hold her before they took her away.”

  My heart clenches so tightly that a sob escapes me before I can stop it. She turns and pulls me into her arms, and we cry together. Unsure of how much time passes, we pull apart, and each of us works to compose ourselves.

  “How long ago?” I ask after several moments of silence.

  “Three months,” Jess answers quietly. “Henry and I barely speak. He’s not touched me since. How did you do this Waverly? I don’t know that we’ll survive this.”

  “You’ll survive, and you’ll have another baby. You’ll be stronger because of this.”

  “Are you?”

  Am I?

  “I don’t know,” I say honestly. “I started dating someone, even with Legend’s and Remy’s deaths strangling me with sadness. Each day with him has made me see I need to live for them because they couldn’t. I don’t see the world the same, but I do know that each day I’m a step further ahead of where I was. I love this new guy, but sadly I can’t tell him that.” I shrug. “I guess I’m getting stronger because of them not because I’m without them.”

  “Wait, Legend died?”

  Nodding my head, I launched into the whole story for what seemed like the millionth time. After all is said and done, the more I tell it, the more the weight seems to lift from my chest and shoulders. It’ll be a long time before it’s a dull ache as my counselor says, but I’m taking steps to get there, that’s what’s important.

  “Wow, honey, no wonder you disappeared. So this new guy? He’s a hunky teacher, isn’t he?”

  Pulling out my phone, I showed her some pictures of us. Some on his couch, some while on walks, a lot of him doing things and not noticing I’m even taking pictures. A tear slips down my cheek at the picture of him in bed after our first time.

  “That’s when he said ‘I love you, Jenna’ after we made love for the first time.”

  “Oh honey,” she says softly.

  Waving her off, I smile. “At this point, I’m staying in my delusional phase, right now. I’ll address it all when it comes time. For now, I’m enjoying having someone want me even if it isn’t what I deserve, it’s good for me now.

  We continue talking for a long time. Jess’s spirits seem to have lifted quite a bit. Maybe my healing was healing for her? I don’t know, but whatever it is, I’m glad for it. No one needs to know those dark depths I sank to and would have fallen into had it not been for Xander. So when Jess got up to go, I watch her leave as I pull up the number I need and dial.

  “Waverly? Is Jess okay?” Henry’s concerned voice fills the line.

  “She’s doing okay as can be, but you need to stop shutting her out. You’ll lose each other before you know it if you don’t get a hold of it now.”

  “Now, wait…” He starts to say, but I cut him off.

  “No, listen to me. If anyone understands what being hurt like you two have been, it’s me. The difference is that you still have each other. Legend had died before he found out he was going to be a dad and before his son was even born. You two are going to lose far more than a child meant for a moment than a lifetime. I don’t want to see that happen. Do you understand me? You fix this. Stop making her feel like a failure. Stop making yourself believe that it’s your fault. Just stop and remember that’s your wife, you’re her husband. Be you before you lose it all.”

  Without giving him a chance to answer, I hang up the phone. I didn’t want them to fall apart. They were perfect for each other. Hearing how he was during her pregnancy tells me how great of a father he will be. They need a chance. It’s just unfair.

  Walking out of the café, I head to my car. My phone beeps just as I sit inside. Opening the text, I see a picture of Xander holding up movies with what looks like a shrug. Laughing, I text that I’m on my way. Even if this relationship is doomed, I’m going to enjoy it until I have to let him go.

  Two months have passed, and I have been spending more and more time with Xander. I think he might be thinking about asking me to move in. He’s jumpy and nervous. He keeps looking at me like he wants to say something, but ends up looking back at the television.

  Just then his phone pings and he jumps from the noise. I laugh and look at him, but he’s not smiling.

  “Okay, what gives,” I ask facing him with a smile on my face.

  The smile I wear on my face is not genuine, and I pray he doesn’t realize it. Over the past couple months, he’s been sneaking texts to someone. I worry that he’s in contact with Jenna, but then I yell at myself because there’s no way he’s a cheater. So, if I ignore my instincts, that leaves something being wrong with his family. Or maybe another student. Plus since the first night we made love, he’s not made mention of love or anything to me again.

  Inside, I’m falling apart. Tomorrow we are set to celebrate our four month anniversary as we have every month, at the Hideaway where we had met. Now, I’m beginning to worry that my dreams may have been more of a premonition than just my worry wart side.

  “I don’t know how to say this,” he starts with a shaking to his voice. “Jenna contacted me out of the blue and let me know that she’s pregnant. It’s mine. She’s four months along.”

  My heart stops, and I stare at him a moment. I can feel the burn in the backs of my eyes, but I blink rapidly to keep the tears from forming.

  “Are you sure it’s yours?” When his head snaps up to glare at me, I hold up my hands. “I’m not trying to discredit you. I’m just saying you said she was with someone for four months before breaking it off with you. I was just… I’m sorry.”

  “I believe her when she says that it’s mine,” he says looking down at his pants.

  What else can I do? He has been in love with her even when she left, and I was in the picture. Love is love, and you can’t just let it go. Smiling at him, I hug him tightly.

  “I’m so happy for you. You have been talking about wanting to have children,” I say, and I’m surprised how steady my voice is. Of course, I thought when we were talking kids he was considering a future with me.

  Standing from the couch, I head into the kitchen to start supper and to hide the tears that fall down my cheeks. “Oh, by the way, I called Randal, and he’s got our table reserved for tomorrow. He said he might even try to do something special for us. I’m sure for him that means maybe a free drink.” I force a laugh.

  He doesn’t respond right away, and it’s in that pause that so much is spoken without a single word. Yet, I still want to be with him. Is that not so freaking selfi
sh of me? I grab the noodles out and put them in the water that is now rapidly boiling. Wiping the tears from my cheeks, I continue to make the chicken alfredo. Xander’s silence only confirms my fears, but I don’t know if I can let him go.

  It’s all so confusing. One minute, I just want to be left alone to suffer in peace. Then I meet him in the bar and it all changes. Now, I want to heal and be the woman he deserves. I thought I have been headed in that direction, showing him more and more how much he means to me without actually saying the words. Honestly, I’d probably have said them by now had he not called me Jenna.

  Knowing that at such an important time in our relationship he might have been thinking of someone else makes it hard to jump on the love train. Yet, I still ride it, but hide when the chances reveal themselves that I can tell him how I feel. But if the fear is more truth than irrational fear, I’d rather have not said those words than say them and have them discounted because he’s still in love with his ex.

  My head begins to swirl with all the ways this is going to end and I nearly burn myself because I’m unable to focus on the task at hand. Losing him, it will feel like I’m waking from a dream of possibilities and back to the reality that I lost all I would ever have. That scares me. Just as I’m about to go into a panic attack, Xander’s voice breaks into my swirling thoughts.

  “What time are we going to head there?” His voice is distant, and I peek around the corner and see him focused on his phone again.

  My heart breaks more. “Around eight. That’s the same time we first met, remember? The same time we’ve been going there for the last three months. No sense in changing the tradition we’ve created for ourselves.”

  “I agree.” He says, and I know his focus is not really on me.

  The fact that I know this doesn’t change the fact that I want to pretend it isn’t happening. What is wrong with me to be willing to continue to have my heart broken knowing this will only end one way and I will be the one left alone and broken once again. Xander brought me to life again. Was it all faked? Had everything just been his way of not wanting to be alone? Needing space from him, I know exactly what I need to do in order to think properly.